We all engage in self-sabotage at some point—whether it’s procrastinating on an important project, avoiding difficult conversations, or undermining our own goals. The problem isn’t just the behavior itself, but the fact that we often don’t realize we’re doing it.
When left unchecked, self-sabotage can make life feel like an endless cycle of frustration. The good news? Once you recognize these patterns, you can take control and change them.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage occurs when we unconsciously (or sometimes consciously) act in ways that hinder our success. These behaviors often stem from fear—fear of failure, fear of success, or even fear of change.
Common Signs of Self-Sabotage:
– Procrastination – Delaying tasks until the last minute
– Perfectionism – Avoiding starting or finishing projects out of fear they won’t be perfect
– Self-Criticism – Talking yourself out of opportunities before even trying
– Avoiding Help – Refusing to ask for support even when overwhelmed
– Neglecting Self-Care – Pushing yourself to burnout instead of setting healthy limits
Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage often comes from deep-seated beliefs—like feeling unworthy of success or fearing the unknown. Psychologically, it can be a way to protect ourselves from disappointment. But in reality, it only holds us back.
The Approach-Avoidance Conflict
Dr. Judy Ho, in Stop Self-Sabotage, explains that we get a dopamine rush from setting goals—but when it’s time to act, fear kicks in. To avoid discomfort, we retreat into old habits.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging
- Develop Self-Awareness
The first step is recognizing your patterns. Ask yourself: “What goal do I want, and what behavior is blocking me?”
For example: “I want a promotion, but I keep avoiding leadership opportunities.”
Once you identify the disconnect, you can address it.
- Journaling helps uncover recurring themes in your behavior. Note:
– When you procrastinate
– What excuses you make
– How you feel before self-sabotaging
This can reveal hidden fears or limiting beliefs.
- Set Realistic Goals & Take Action
Break big goals into small, manageable steps. If you tend to procrastinate, create a strict rule—like “I will work on this task for just 10 minutes.” Often, starting is the hardest part.
- Practice Mindfulness
Self-sabotage thrives on autopilot. Mindfulness helps you pause before acting impulsively. Try:
– Deep breathing when stressed
– Observing negative thoughts without judgment
– Replacing self-criticism with self-compassion
- Communicate & Seek Support
Isolation fuels self-sabotage. Share your goals with someone you trust—accountability makes a difference. If past trauma contributes to your patterns, therapy or coaching can help. Stopping Self-Sabotage at Work & in Relationships At Work:
– Ask for feedback to clarify expectations
– Speak up when you need help—silence often worsens problems
– Challenge imposter syndrome by focusing on progress, not perfection
In Relationships:
– Notice if you pick fights or withdraw when things get serious
– Align actions with values—don’t let fear dictate behavior
– Prioritize self-growth so relationships don’t become a source of validation
Final Thoughts
Self-sabotage is a habit, not a life sentence. The key is awareness, patience, and consistent effort. Instead of trying to change everything at once, focus on one small shift at a time.